★ WELCOME 2 THE OFFICIAL BUMSLUT.COM HOMEPAGE!!! ★

The internet's #1 registry of certified bum sluts · Est. 1998 (allegedly)

+++ BREAKING: ARMED POLICE RAID WRONG HOUSE, FIND MAN IN SHORTS WITH HANDS UP +++ DECK KING ENTERS 9TH CONSECUTIVE HOUR ON PATIO +++ ZINC SURFER STILL DRY +++ BUMSLUT 64 OUT NOW, SCROLL UP AND PRESS START +++ PINOT GRIGIO STOCKS AT RECORD LOW +++

🚧 UNDER CONSTRUCTION 🚧 DISC 2 & DISC 3 COMING SOON 🚧

🚨 THE SUSPECTS 🚨

Suspect #001: bald, bearded man in a psychedelic floral shirt holding a bulldog on a garden deck, white wine on the table

IN-GAME

#001 THE DECK KING

Aggravated patio loitering
Floral assault on the optic nerve
Pinot Grigio before 2pm (repeat offender)

STATUS: STILL ON THE DECK

GAME: DON'T STAND UP — DISC 2, coming soon

Suspect #002: man in a white tee and shorts with his hands up in his back garden, seen from a police bodycam

IN-GAME

#002 WRONG HOUSE

Being at home
Answering the door in shorts
Hands up with excellent posture

STATUS: INNOCENT (they had the wrong address)

GAME: WRONG HOUSE! — DISC 3, coming soon

Suspect #003: man in a black wetsuit and chin-strap bucket hat standing on a black sand beach next to a board

IN-GAME

#003 THE ZINC SURFER

3mm winter wetsuit in 28°C
Half a kilo of Sudocrem on one nose
Never once touching the water

STATUS: BONE DRY

GAME: DON'T GET WET — PLAY NOW ▲

📜 ABOUT THIS SITE

Some men climb mountains. Some men run marathons. These three men sat down on a timber deck in the United Kingdom, poured a glass of Pinot, and simply never got up again.

This homepage exists to document their achievements for future generations, and to provide a fully licensed* 3D video game console in which you can relive them.

“I looked into his eyes, then I looked at the wine, then I looked at that floral atrocity he was wearing. And in that moment I knew, with absolute scientific certainty: this man is an irredeemable bum slut.” — Sir David Attenborough (probably)

*licensed by nobody

🎓 AWARD UR MATE A DIPLOMA 🎓

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The Local Bartender · 14/03/1998 · ☆☆☆☆☆

He sat down on that deck with a chilled bottle of Pinot at 1:15pm on a Tuesday. Didn't move until dusk. Truly inspirational dedication to doing sweet FA.

Vogue Magazine, Emergency Style Tribunal · 02/05/1998

He walked in wearing that floral shirt and three chandeliers shattered. Our fashion analysts had to be hospitalised.

An Armed Response Officer (probably) · 19/07/1998

We breached the back garden expecting an international cartel. We found one bloke in shorts with his hands up. In hindsight, we should have checked the house number.

Carlos, Beach Lifeguard · 30/08/1998

He stood on the sand 150 yards from the sea for 45 minutes in a 3mm winter wetsuit, a chin-strap bucket hat and half a kilo of unblended Sudocrem. Never once touched the water. I have seen things.

The Lads · 31/12/1998

We asked in the group chat if he fancied the gym. He sent a photo of his vape on the deck and replied "I have achieved final form". A legend.

🛍️ OFFICIAL MERCH

Sold out since 1999. A new drop is coming. Probably.

Floral Retina Destroyer tee — "Retina Destroyer" Tee

Deck Chairman hoodie — "Deck Chairman" Hoodie

Patio Pinot goblets — Patio Pinot Goblets